Total Surrender

As I seek solitude this morning, my heart is heavy and I find prayer is difficult.  It has been a long time since my prayers felt distant and I miss the sweetness of the morning that is usually present.  However, I have learned that neither the Lord’s presence nor His answers to my prayers are dependent upon my emotions and so I kneel there in the dark and seek His assistance, knowing that even when I don’t know how to pray, the Holy Spirit is there making intercession for me.

Yesterday I spent the day contemplating conversations with a friend and as I dwelt on her words spoken in love, the words of our Lord spoken to Peter repeatedly echoed through my mind.  I could not understand exactly how they related to the conversation that was troubling me, but this morning I found they were once more present in my thoughts.

“Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me more than these?” I know the story from the last chapter of John of how Jesus asked Peter if he loved him and how Peter was grieved that He repeatedly asked, but this morning I found myself wondering,  “what Lord? To what were you referring when you asked, ‘more than these?’ What is it that we love more than you – what is it that I love more than you?” and the answer is clearly “Anything. Do you love anything more than your precious Lord? ”

It was suddenly very clear to me – I do not love completely when I do not trust completely.  I thought I had given Him – wholly given Him – my heart and then there appears in my life a situation which reveals the true nature of my heart and I find I do not completely trust Him. I cling to my own fears because I do not know how to surrender them, I do not know how to surrender them because I do not ask, and I do not ask because I am afraid to relinquish control. Whether it is my fear or my sin or both, the truth is – I do not trust the Lord in all things.

A great sadness washes over me and it mingles with a feeling of great gratitude as I realize that there have been times in which He has carried my fears for a season and like the footprints in the sand, I have not even been aware of His tenderness.  But now He hands them back so that I can find the joy in willful surrender, for I cannot fully love nor can I fully trust until I fully surrender.

My precious Savior has been so patient with me all these long years as I surrender first this piece of my life and then that piece of my life, and each time I think I have surrendered all. I have learned there is no joy in a treasure that I must continually work to preserve, but I also know that I am unable to completely let go of anything without God first showing me that to which I am clinging, and then gently prying my hands off each thing that I have made an idol. He is never forceful in the prying, but patiently persistent showing me how to surrender my treasures that I might lay up treasures where neither moth nor rust corrupt.  I know that the letting go is never pleasant and that very likely I will spend my whole life letting go – maybe sometimes even snatching back and then letting go again as I battle with a heart that often has divided affections.  And so once more I find myself at His feet asking Him to take from me that to which I cling pleading for help to wholly surrender.


About sheilacampbell

Like all people, my life is multi faceted. I have been a mom for twenty-eight years, raising three wonderful children to young adults. I have been also been a wife, a sister, a daughter, and a friend. I love my Lord; I love the life He has given me and I write about the things I love.
This entry was posted in Faith, Moments Worth Remembrance, Prayer and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Total Surrender

  1. Betty Jayne Castle says:

    Dear Sheila, Again you so beautifully articulated what God is speaking to your heart! He is the Potter and I am the clay . . . a continual work in progress!!! Thanks for sharing! I love your posts!!! God Bless You! Betty Jayne

  2. Bec Champion says:

    Perfectly put my sweet cousin. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s